Buffer

June 6th, 2013:

Senator Lindsay Graham of South Carolina said Americans have no cause for concern. ‘‘If you’re not getting a call from a terrorist organization, you’ve got nothing to worry about,’’ he said.

What an asshole. This guy, without a doubt, is scheming to devour our children and lay eggs in their heads. If you love your child, figure out a way to get this guy out of elected office. He’s up in 2014.

There is apparently a major rumor online that Barack Obama is a secret lizard person. I’ve found blog articles in places like this that support the conclusion, and about half of the traffic on the lizard person twitter search represents discussion of lizards and Obama, and sometimes even Romney.

This is bad news if it’s true – An election dominated by two lizard people is definitely going to further the bad ends of our country and we’re really in trouble then! Luckily, Obama is NOT a lizard person. I know this because his jaw and torso are all wrong. Have you ever seen a tall, skinny lizard? I haven’t either. Reptiles can be tall but they’re huge if so, not skinny or lanky like Obama. Additionally, he’s lacking the lizard jaw and throat that is so well documented in the photos of this blog – There’s no chance he could swallow a human child whole with a tiny jaw like that.

So let’s keep it straight: Obama is not a lizard person.

Hey, guess what America. The Governor of New Jersey is a lizard person! I bet you didn’t know that.

This might come as a surprise to you, since he’s a pretty public guy. As a result, I came with some evidence besides a photo of him delivering a speech about hard work and eating people at the RNC tonight.

Did you know that Chris Christie once considered running for President for the 2012 elections? It’s true- I read it on the Internet. 

I do have to admire Chris for one thing – He knows how to find clothes that fit him, unlike a certain Vice Presidential candidate that I can think of. I’m not here to bash on the absent resident Joe Biden though.

Tell us about your experiences with Chris Christie eating people and committing extreme acts of reptillian agression in the comments. Thanks!

Referencing global climate change & the impact of economic choices: “The idea that we should put limits on growth because of some natural limit is a profound error” – Larry Summers, 2009, in an interview with Charlie Rose.

Sounds like the words of somebody who appreciates who delicious people taste. Just like a lizard person.

A reader wrote in and wanted to know why I hadn’t covered the obvious lizard people of Goldman Sachs yet on this blog. This oversight has now been corrected. Here you go, fine readers: It’s guessed by our staff that Gary Cohn and Lloyd Blankfein entered the United States sometime in the mid 1960′s in the form of small children. In their immature state, they began to grow and find ways to feed their growing, insatiable hunger for fresh meat. After wiping out a small farm, including the family living there, they entered a cocoon-like state where they evolved into full-grown selves.

Upon this transformation into an adult lizard person, they discovered that their taste for flesh could be more easily satisfied by consuming enormous quantities of US American Dollars. The result has created the modern Goldman Sachs, that is not afraid of anything or anyone. The total contempt for humanity can be exhibited by the Goldman Sachs Elevator Twitter account as well – They have successfully recruited an army of lizard people and their willing food-slaves into the company to help continue to consume the world’s economy and money supply.

Keep an eye out for these guys. They’re danger.

Romney and Gingrich Love To Laugh!!

We are so totally screwed if these guys keep it up. Relentless people-eaters like Romney and Gingrich will happily come along and gobble up our children if given half the chance.

The only thing that makes this more fitting is the CNN logo right behind them as they go with their full-on belly laugh. Their tie contrast is also excellent – Tailored black suits and colorful ties for contrast. It is not hard to imagine going from this straight to the Paycheck Potluck Lunch to discuss the needs of people on welfare, who they both can clearly relate to.

If you have any other great photos of Mitt or Newt (yes, their real names) being terrifying, please share them with us in the comments or anonymously at [email protected]

It can be tough to properly identify a lizard person. They don’t always have scales, slitted eyes, and bad breath. If you see someone as a lizard person, you should be cautious and observe their behavior:

Do they seem to never age, no matter how much time passes?

Do they have an usually angular or strong jaw, with many muscles in it? Does it open to an unusual angle?

Do they ever exhibit bizarre or unusual arrogance, like someone who knows something is coming?

Have you ever observed them showing unusual interest in shiny objects or spaceships?

Are you actually familiar with their family? Does anyone in their family exhibit similar tendencies? They may be a plant in the family, or they may be an entire family of lizard people!

Sheikh Sabah al-Ahmad al-Sabah

Let’s imagine for a minute that you’re one of the most fantastically rich men in the world, and you run a small oil-rich country in the Middle East. In the past two months, two guys (both lizard people) that you’re acquainted with have been thrown out of similar jobs (Tunisia) or are about to be (Egypt), and are on the run from their own population. What do you do?

If you’re Sheikh Sabah al-Ahmad al-Sabah of Kuwait, you write a check to each of your resident citizens in your country in hopes that it will help keep them quiet and happy. No surprise, there’s no hints of riots or mass dissent in Kuwait now that this law has been passed. On the other hand, Kuwait also doesn’t have some of the same symptoms that Tunisia and Egypt (and many other nations in the Middle East) do. Many of the nations currently experiencing unrest also face truly epidemic unemployment, a lack of basic social services that would make even the GOP here in America cry, and overwhelming corruption in the public sector.

If you are the lizard person leader of an country, is paying off your citizens in return for not rioting stabilizing potential unrest, or just fattening the calf so that when the day comes that you begin eating your citizens, they are well fed?

Omar Suleiman - Possible Lizard Person?

It’s been suggested that Omar Suleiman, the newly appointed Vice President of Egypt is a Lizard Person. This doesn’t seem to be an impossible idea – He’s also in charge of the national intelligence bureau, and was described in the BBC as: “While he has shown little political ambition, General Suleiman has often been mentioned as a possible successor to the 82-year-old Mr Mubarak.

He would continue in the trend of military strongmen who have led Egypt since the 1952 revolution.”

He may or may not be a lizard person who’s trying to take the reigns of a country in chaos to preserve firm LP control of the nation when Mubarak Gets Out. We will continue to monitor the situation closely, and update you when we know more.

Hosni Mubarak a Lizard Person

Hosni Mubarak, the president of Egypt, has watched as his country was overrun this week in a series of Counter-Lizard Person revolts against his rule. At this point, he has been effectively all but disposed by the popular movement of people in his country. While we wait to see a clear leader emerge and bring the country forward, it’s critical to realize the victories against the autocratic, people-eating lizard persons of North Africa. Take heart and see the power that all people offer when they rise up against their oppressors. Unemployment being over 25% and half the country living in poverty gave the people of Egypt (and Tunisia) no great love or reason to continue to back their leaders.

What other national figures in the world are lizard people who must be resisted? Let us know. [email protected]